2011 marks the first year I’ve done the Charles River Wheelmen's New Years Day
ride since 2005. Being cold-averse, I’ve usually skipped
it, but the forecast 50-degree weather inspired me to saddle up and
mosey down to the Common, despite roads wet with snow runoff and messy
with sand and salt. But it having been six years since my last
appearance, I had forgotten just how poorly organized it was.
For some reason, this 20-mile jaunt around town has always attracted
a crowd that’s made up primarily of riders that are known as
“retro-grouches”.
These are usually men in their 50s and 60s who wear layer upon layer of
army surplus weather gear, proudly topped off with reflective vests
commonly issued to construction workers.
Retrogrouches are often devoted year-round commuters, and most will
happily bend your ear for 90 minutes or more as they describe all the
benefits they’ve accrued by not owning a car since 1967. Their
50-pound bikes are weighed down with handmade cardboard fenders and
cargo racks comprised of plastic milk crates or cardboard fruit boxes
picked out of the trash.
Not that I mind retrogrouches that much; they’re just one of
many cycling subcultures, and they’re a pretty innocuous group, so
long as you don’t encourage them. But when you have a
retrogrouch running an organized ride… you must remember
that their highest value is self-reliance, and they are going to expect
complete self-reliance from everyone who attends their ride.
So with that as introduction, let’s segue into the
narrative.
Before the ride, I’d visited the CRW’s web site to
download a GPS tracklog of the route. Hmmm… None available. In
fact, searching all the common bike mapping sites online, I
couldn’t find a single tracklog anywhere.
Okay, I guess I’ll stoop to reading the annoying cue sheet,
with its turn-by-turn directions, and manually convert that into a
tracklog. But wait… the CRW’s website doesn’t even
offer a cue sheet!
It was at this point that I remembered how often people got
lost on this particular ride: something that was the central
observation of my writeup of
the 2005 New Years ride. Oh boy. Here we go again!
The ride begins at Park Street MBTA station, at a corner of Boston
Common right by the State House. I arrived a few minutes beforehand and
made sure I grabbed a cue sheet from Eric, the ride’s traditional
“organizer”.
The cue sheet is a true classic of retrogrouch
style. It was printed in nearly illegible type on a 9-pin dot matrix
printer: a device which hasn’t been manufactured in 25 years,
and which was el-cheapo technology even back then. It was subsequently
duplicated by a photocopier onto thin, curling, specialized fax paper.
Do you remember fax machines? Do you remember back in the olden days,
when fax paper came on a roll and “plain paper faxes” were a
new technological breakthrough? Yup. Say it with me: retrogrouch
stylee!
Another feature of the 2011 cue sheet that is both
“retro” and “grouch” is that it’s
a bit out of date. Directions include going underneath Route 3
and the Central
Artery, which were both demolished in 2003 (eight years ago!)
as part of the Big
Dig. Long-since completed Big Dig construction is mentioned four
times on the cue sheet, as is the Boston Tea Party
ship, which was destroyed by fire four years ago. As you might
expect, the cue sheet doesn’t reflect the reconfiguration of
surface streets since the completion of the Big Dig.
But that was barely the beginning, folks! While handing me my cue
sheet, Eric also offered me a croissant from a big cardboard box he was
carrying, proudly proclaiming that he had found them in a
dumpster behind a Dunkin Donuts. He made this same offer to
everyone who showed up (thankfully, I didn’t see anyone accept
one) and made sure to repeat his offer when he addressed the entire
crowd of riders at the start. Clearly, this was a retrogrouch alpha male
in his native environment!
After a speech in which he made sure to emphasize that he would be
obeying all traffic laws and stopping and waiting at all red lights,
Eric announced that he would be sweeping: intentionally being the last
rider on the course, to make sure everyone finished. With a brush of his
hands, he encouraged people to head out. No one
moved.
He waved his hands again. Clearly that was sufficient guidance, was
it not? Were these people dense? Still no one moved.
After a few awkward moments, it finally dawned on people that there
was no one assigned to lead the front of the ride. Like
penguins jostling one another toward the edge of an iceberg, the riders
slowly made their way onto Tremont Street, with no one having any idea
where they were supposed to be going.
The idea that one person could successfully conduct an organized ride
is patently stupid, and doubly stupid to think they can do it from the
back of a pack of a hundred riders, frequently split by red lights and
traffic. At a minimum, you need ride leaders at the front and back, and
it’d be nice to have a few people in the middle to take leadership
of groups that get split at red lights. But no. According to the CRW, as
long as you have a cue sheet, that’s all the support a
“real” rider could ever want or need, right?
Have I mentioned that the route isn’t arrowed,
either? Most rides, even CRW rides, have arrows spray-painted on the
road surface in order to help riders navigate. But not this one.
That’d take all the fun out of it!
What evolved was what has happened every year I’ve participated
in this ride. People clumped together in packs, vaguely guessing where
they were going, sometimes making wrong turns and back-tracking,
sometimes getting halfway through a busy intersection before someone in
the crowd yells “Turn here!”, invoking a sudden and
dangerous swerve of the pack. It was navigation by
committee, and god help the impatient riders who set off on
their own, thinking they could figure it out themselves. Inevitably,
they got eaten by predators and were never seen again.
It was, basically, a complete cluster, just like it is every
year.
One more anecdote, just to cap things off. Each year, about
one third of the riders take part in a nice little group
picture, taken at Charlestown Navy
Yard in front of Old Ironsides.
Why only one third? Because one third of the riders got lost on course
and haven’t arrived yet, and another third got there early and
promptly continued on, having no knowledge of the planned group photo
because it wasn’t mentioned on the cue sheet nor in the pre-ride
speech.
With such negligent organization, you might think I hated the
ride, but that’s really not the case. It’s easier
to accept and deal with incompetence when you have come to expect it, as
I have of most events run by the CRW. Although to be fair, their
centuries don’t have as many lapses as the New Years ride.
And it’s hard to argue with an ambling pleasure ride around
Boston on a winter’s day that reached a wonderful 54
degrees. It’ll be several months before we see those
kinds of temperatures again.